Why Parents Shouldn’t Feel Guilty for Recognising Their Child Is Neurodivergent When They Are Older.
I often have parents open up to me about their kids, usually that they think their child may be neurodivergent. But what follows is their expression of feeling guilty because they didn’t pick up on it sooner.
While it is perfectly normal to have these feelings of guilt, you may already be doing more than you realise for your child. If you are a parent that has taken the time to learn and understand what being neurodivergent means, to try and understand your child better, then you do not need to feel guilty, especially if your child is still within your care (they are not yet an independent adult). You may not realise it, but you will already be having an incredibly positive impact on your child.
It’s really easy to forget that it is still only recently that the neurodiversity movement has gained traction. Over the last few years more and more people have decided to pursue the assessment pathway for Autism, ADHD and other forms of neurodivergence. Not only that, they are also sharing their experiences on social media, giving wider access to information about each of the neurotypes. An insight, if you will, into how being neurodivergent looks. This is why we are seeing a rise in the diagnostic numbers. Not because there is more of it now, but because people are understanding it better and recognising that they may be neurodivergent without the need for a medical professional to recognise it first.
As recently as 5 years ago we were still being fed the line of ‘you don’t want to label them’ regarding children that were showing signs of being neurodivergent. There was a habit of shaming parents for wanting to pursue a diagnosis to help their children gain access to things like education with the adaptations they need. Unfortunately, there are still some ‘leading’ organisations within the neurodiversity space, led by those who are not neurodivergent, who believe it is something that can/needs to be cured. Having this damaging opinion in society is bad enough, but when it is within the neurodivergent community it is devastating. It also causes confusion for parents as they know their child is different, they know their child needs adjustments and support, but they have conflicting information available to them.
The rise in social media creators sharing their experiences, either as a late diagnosed adult or as advocates for their children is breaking down the stigma. It is creating a meaningful and safe environment for parents to watch, listen and learn. It’s providing real life experiences that other parents are relating to, they are recognising that maybe their child is also neurodivergent. The community are speaking up against the organisations that want to ‘cure’ those who are neurodivergent. They are showing us that there are so many strengths that neurodivergent individuals have, especially when their needs are met. They are showing us that diversity in the neurotypes is not only natural, but necessary for society to grow and function as best as it can.
What I find so impactful from this, is that parents of older kids (teenagers mainly) are reflecting. The content is catching their eyes, it’s holding their attention and they are starting to recognise similarities in their child. Looking back over their development and their experiences in school. Realising that there have been struggles, poor time keeping, not meeting deadlines, losing concentration in tests, struggling to motivate themselves to study, feeling rejected by friends, not fitting in with others, having 1 or 2 very strong interests and no interest in anything else, emotional outbursts, inattentive behaviours, impulsive behaviours, the list is long!
Once that interest has been peaked, parents are then actively seeking more. They go from watching silently to following creators, to connecting and sharing their experiences and thoughts around their own childs experience. They are starting to advocate for their children. They are communicating their thoughts with their children and sharing what they have learned. They are building a new connection with their children and showing that they understand they may not experience the world in the same way as others do, and letting them know that this is okay!
Often the response from their children is emotional, not because there is ‘something wrong with them’ (because there isn’t!) but because they have someone in their corner. They have someone who has seen them for who they are and is offering support. They finally have an answer for why they are feeling how they are, why they behave the way they do, why they cannot function in certain settings the way they are expected to, why they don’t understand the world as it is. They have someone who is learning how to understand them and how they function. That itself is the most powerful thing, because not only have they got the support of their parent to advocate for them, they have someone who is willing to learn about them as an individual, someone who wants to understand them to help them and ultimately support them in understanding themselves. That is absolutely vital for them. It will ensure that they can advocate for themselves once they are no longer in your care. They will be able to learn how to function in a way that works for them, without causing lasting damage to their mental health and nervous system.
If you are a parent who didn’t pick up on your child being neurodivergent when they were younger, but you have picked up on it before they leave your care and you are feeling guilty, have a moment and then let it go! Give yourself some time to process, some space to feel how you need to feel, and most importantly give yourself some grace. You are showing your older child that you understand them, or at least you are trying to understand them, which in turn will empower them to accept who they are and ultimately understand themselves. So, while you may not have picked up on it earlier on, you have made the effort to learn more, to help them and showing them that it is okay not to get it right all of the time. That is something to be proud of, not something you need to feel guilty for.